The Journal of Interpersonal Violence recently reported that nearly 18% of women in domestic violent relationships experience significant symptoms of trauma bonding, while the Journal of Traumatic Stress found that those in trauma-bonded relationships are three times likelier to suffer symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
The psychological and emotional draw towards people who hurt us is a complicated topic—humans are complex and full of contradictions. Why do we continue to love those who also bring us the most fear and pain?
Understanding trauma bonds
According to Psychology Today, “a trauma bond is characterised by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with occasional bursts of positive reinforcement; this so-called intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship.”
In other words, a trauma bond is created by a strong emotional attachment between a person and someone who abuses or mistreats them. There’s an intense, emotional connection with someone treating you with kindness and then mistreating you.
People stuck in trauma bonds find it difficult to separate the fine line between pleasure and pain.
This bond happens because the person being hurt feels confused, scared, and dependent on the abuser, making it hard for them to leave the harmful relationship.
Signs and symptoms of trauma bonding
- You’re beginning to realise the relationship is built around guilt, shame and fear. An abusive relationship is a power imbalance with the abuser making sure you always feel guilty or selfish for wanting or asking for your own needs to be met.
- You have strong physical reactions to them touching you in any way and find yourself asking, “Do I even like this person anymore?” At the same time, you have intense emotional feelings towards them—even “love”—while also feeling angry and unsafe around them. It’s all extremely confusing.
- You’re not sure whether you should stay or go. You justify the abuse because “it’s not that bad, it’s all my fault…and he/she loves me.” The longer you’re with an abusive person, the more the abusive behaviour is normalised.
- You are hypervigilant, anxious and fearful of doing something wrong. You are constantly “walking on eggshells.”
- You go from being love-bombed and then devalued in an extreme push-pull cycle. At the same time, you cover for and defend your abuser against anyone who tries to intervene. As a result, you find yourself isolated from your friends, family and those who care the most about you.
How White River Manor can help you break free from trauma bonds
At White River Manor, we understand that trauma bonds significantly damage your mental, emotional, and physical health. The experience of intermittent positive and negative reinforcement makes it extremely hard to walk away from these abusive relationships.
Therefore, healing from a traumatic bond requires a comprehensive approach to intervention. Our experienced team is here to help educate you on how trauma bonds are formed and maintained and provide concrete goals for a safety plan. With WRM, you’ll build self-reliance, establish firm boundaries, and increase your autonomy so you can begin to heal and reclaim your life.
Personalized treatment plans
Every trauma bond is unique, which is why we offer personalised trauma treatment plans. Our team conducts an in-depth assessment to understand the nature of your trauma bond, the emotional patterns surrounding it, and any co-occurring mental health issues you may be presenting.
Therapeutic interventions
WRM offers a wide range of evidence-based therapeutic interventions:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps you change unhelpful, unwanted or unhealthy feelings, thoughts and behaviour patterns. As you learn to identify and challenge the negative patterns, you’ll be able to develop healthier habits.
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is particularly effective for those whose trauma bonds are rooted in past traumatic experiences and need help to reprocess traumatic memories or distressing events.
- Trauma-Informed Therapy: Our trauma-specific approach provides a safe space for you to process your past trauma, understand how it has shaped your current behaviours and relationships, and ultimately heal and move forward.
Holistic healing approaches
In addition to traditional therapies, WRM integrates holistic practices into your treatment plan:
- Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices encourage you to become more observant of your thoughts, emotions, and the physical sensations surrounding them. By grounding yourself in the present moment, this awareness allows you to process and release trauma stored in the body. Studies show that regular mindfulness practice helps reduce the anxiety and fear surrounding trauma bonds.
- Somatic Therapies: Understanding that trauma is stored in the body as well as the mind, we offer somatic therapies, such as yoga and breathwork, to release physical tension and trauma. The slow, focused movement and mindful breathing in yoga can release trauma and reduce symptoms of PTSD.
- Art and Music Therapy: Has a piece of music or art ever brought tears to your eyes? Music, in particular, can stimulate the brain’s “reward pathways”, giving you pleasure and relief from trauma. We offer these creative therapies as a non-verbal outlet for expressing and processing the pain of trauma bonds.
- Safe, Natural Environment: Healing from trauma bonds requires a nurturing and supportive environment, and that’s exactly what WRM provides. Spending time in nature can help develop self-compassion, and our luxurious, serene surroundings in South Africa offer a natural, safe space to focus entirely on your recovery.
Break free from trauma bonds and learn to love yourself at White River Manor
Part of the cycle of a trauma bond is the need for everyone to see your worth and acknowledge that you are worthy of love. People in a trauma bond may be waiting for their partner, family member, or loved one to finally see their worth and simply love them. It’s time to stop waiting for others to love you.
At WRM, you’ll learn to build up your self-esteem and love yourself instead of needing someone to love you. Working with our expert team of trauma-informed therapists can help with this process.
You have the power to break free from trauma bonds, discover healthy relationships and lead a happy, fulfilling life.
If you’re ready to start your healing journey, please get in touch with us today. We’re here to help you discover your true self.
About Gert Janse Van Rensburg
Gert Janse van Rensburg is a Clinical Psychologist and Equine Therapist at White River Manor. With over two decades of experience, Gert helps oversee most of the clients, bringing deep knowledge and a calming presence to addiction recovery.
